MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
* I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
* Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
* I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
* I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
* Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
Read the whole thing.
Wait...I do want to add something:
* Bring your country's medical care into the 20th century. Even the EARLY 20th century. Just, please--tequila is not anasthetic.
* Since I am bringing my precious uzzsha-buzzshas with me, I expect top notch veterenary care as well. Since I know it's in your country's culture to torture and slaughter animals and call it a SPORT, your country's culture is going to change to suit me.
* I own guns. I've never used them. They were very expensive. So, believe me, if one of your corrupt federales comes to take my guns away, I am getting my goddamn MONEY'S WORTH!!